What can I say?

Feeling tired and low tonight. I have friends and they have problems and although I care so very much, I just don't know what to say anymore. I want my friends to be happy, I really do but some of the behaviours that are occurring are frankly, alarming.

I am always the voice of reason and the comfort on the other end of the phone. I do it because I care and because I seem to be able to comfort people but sometimes I just don't know if it's a good idea.

Sometimes it backfires.

When my younger brother's marriage was breaking up he called me to tell me what was going on. I was desperately trying to understand what he was telling me and asked a lot of questions. I was pretty shocked by what I heard, I had no idea there were problems so I had a lot to digest. I also spoke to his wife around this time, we have always had a good relationship and I really wanted to understand better. My brother took this as a betrayal and judgment and apart from a visit at our parents where nothing was acknowledged and a poisonous email from him to me and one back from me to him, he has not spoken to me since. It's been months. I haven't seen my niece and nephew since then or spoken to my sister-in-law. I don't feel comfortable visiting the town they live in and my heart is broken. I have tried to contact him but he will not call me back. I refuse to carry on any more email correspondence because I feel like it's a bad way to communicate strong feelings. Too easy to misunderstand and once you push send you can't take it back.

I wasn't going to bring it up here but it's always on my mind and I feel like, with all this talk about my life and all the great stuff that is going on there is still a part that is broken.

Just like everybody else.

I have no soothing advice for myself.

You're a real live outlaw, aren't ya?"

We watched Thelma and Loise the other night. I don't think I had seen it since the year it came out. That was 1991 and it was pretty fun to see the big hair and high waisted jean, cowgirl fashion of the early 90's and of course Brad Pitt so young and pretty.

The tag line for that movie is "Somebody said get a life... so they did". I have to say I really enjoyed it this time around too and had forgotten a lot of the funny bits like when Thelma comes into the diner after having hot sex with Brad Pitt's character and she's all silly and excited and Loise says "You finally got laid properly, I'm so proud."

Or when Thelma says to J.D. (Brad Pitt), "You're a real live outlaw, aren't ya?" And he says, "Well I may be an outlaw, darlin', but you're the one stealing my heart." How on earth could he say that with a straight face?

Then there's the ending, I don't think I am ruining it for anyone here but that ending is so unsatisfying and just....over. And I forgot all about the kiss they give each other before they decide to "keep going". The dvd we had had some special features, the making of the movie and commentary and stuff. It also had something called Extended Alternative Ending!!! We refused to watch it. All I could think of was maybe they were going to show the car hitting the canyon floor??? How could you extend that ending I wonder? More chasing, more goodbyes? More flying through the air? Some things are better left alone.

I have to say, I have some pretty strong relationships with my women friends and that is something I really relate to in this movie. Would I kill someone for a friend or go on the run from the law? May I never have to ask myself that question for real. Would I go on a road trip in a '66 Thunderbird and stop off at a roadhouse for some 90's line dancing and pick up Brad Pitt even though I know he's not really a student trying to get back to school??

Well hell ya!

Can I have one more?

Can I just tell you... My life is blessed.
My friends are awesome and I am just so grateful. The last two nights we had a BFF staying with us. Her husband passed away a few weeks ago, from cancer (fuck you cancer), she is doing pretty well. You know, she's sad and a little depressed but she's living her life and being so real and courageous about it. Her strength through this whole thing has been so amazing and inspirational and we can all only hope to get through something so horrible and do it with such grace and class. I feel so lucky to have witnessed one of my peers set the benchmark for grace under pressure. I only hope I can live up to and take inspiration from her if and when I have to deal with anything so difficult. I love her.
This morning we went to the pool with my other BFF and we had such a nice time just chatting and swimming and soaking up the sun. So good.
When I finished work today I checked in with two more of my BFFs and realized that they were both going through some pretty heavy emotional stuff, you know, men, relationships, sadness and anxiety. There was only one thing to do, have a girls night. We decided, last minute to go to a movie, Sex In The City seemed the logical choice.
We met at the theatre and were all a little out of sorts due to debris from the day. We bought our snacks and sat down to watch the movie. We laughed and we cried and we related to everything, except maybe the clothes. I love the fashion on SITC, it's ridiculous and fun like art to me.
After the movie we went to an Italian "Soul Food" restaurant next door to the theatre and that's when it hit us all. We could so relate to so many things in the movie. I am not embarrassed to say we sat down and ordered Cosmopolitans at $8 a pop, we had a few and they were good. We drank cocktails and talked about our stuff and we laughed and we cried and we snuck ( I know "snuck" isn't a word but I don't know better word) drags on a cigarette on the outdoor patio, something that is punishable by death in Vancouver. I swear to God, the stuff we talked about was more crazy and interesting than any plot from any movie.
I came away from this evening a little tipsy, yes but even more important I feel a real appreciation for the friends that I have. I know that we will be truly there for each other as we age and go through weddings, divorces, funerals, new loves, break ups, kids, no kids and all that shit we haven't even thought of yet.
What I know is this, I have good friends that I love very much and who love me back. I have friends I can trust and I know that we can be there for each other no matter what. I look forward to more laughs and tears and trips and parties and stories and heartaches and music, and joyful times with these people. I look forward to aging but never growing up with these people.
I guess, like many, I have a few over priced cocktails and start telling my friends how much I loves 'em.
To all my BFF's I love you.
Yah, I know, you love me too.
Drinks tomorrow night? I'm there.

Are you up?

I love this mechanical swimming girl at Kits Pool. The wind makes her swim. It is so beautifully made and her swimming movements are so perfect. I wonder who made her?

Things are going okay here at Belly Acres. I'm trying to keep it real but a lot of it is just fucked up. And a lot of it is really exciting and cool. Problem is, I can't talk about any of it here. It's too personal. For the moment anyway. Once things become resolved I promise I will let you in on it all. In the meantime, I could use a proper nights sleep.

With the heat and the fact that our bedroom is just soooo messy I am not getting decent sleeps and that must be resolved. I am thinking a lot about a new bed. I'm not saying our bed is bad it's just not good or bad. It's adequate. I keep hearing about new types of mattresses, rubber, foam, air, combinations of regular and memory foam. I even dream of going to a king size format but just the thought of having to by all new bedding discourages me. Even though I know we could fit a king bed in this bedroom you just never know about the next place we will live in. It would suck to have to change back to a queen. Still, all that room. Sigh.

When I first moved out on my own I had an old used mattress and box spring and we slept on that for the first 5 or 6 years until it became obvious that we needed to do something about it. We went to Sleep Country and bought a new bed that we couldn't really afford. They were nice enough to let us make monthly payments and the deal was done. I remember pushing the old mattress down the stairs to make room for the delivery of the new one and watching it practically disintegrate as it tumbled down the stairs. I don't even want to think about the dust mites.

On the day of delivery I waited with much excitement for our new landing pad to be delivered. I was so excited. Finally the guys showed up moved the bed into the bedroom and started to set it up. One small hitch, there were 2 box springs instead of a box spring and a mattress! I was so disappointed but the delivery guys just sorta shrugged and said I would probably get the mattress in a couple of days. A couple of days?! I'd thrown away the old bed and now they were telling me they couldn't help me for a couple of days. Well I was having none of it. I called the store and spoke to the guy who sold us the bed. I was pretty pissed by this time and he didn't really seem to care enough. That's when I decided to tell him if I didn't get my bed, that day, that I would be on the phone to head office so fast that heads would be a-spinning. We got our bed that very day, funny how it wasn't all that hard for them to accomplish after all. What should have been a happy exciting experience of buying our first large purchase together was marred by incompetence and poor customer service.

You've all heard the jingle, "Sleep Country Canada, I'd buy a mattress anywhere else."

Any suggestions? Do you love your bed? What kind is it and where did you get it?

How's the water?

Spent Friday at Bunsen Lake with some lovely friends and a couple of their kids. It was very nice and the water? Cccccccold. But I swam in that sucker. Glacier fed. Refreshing. The picture above almost shows how truly beautiful the view is at this lake. If I turned to the right you would see that the small beach was littered with rug rats screaming and digging in the sand and generally having lots of summer fun.

I don't have kids so there are certain things that can't help but illustrate how different things are than when we were kids.

Sunscreen, OMG I saw kids running around with thick, white layers of sunscreen over every bit of exposed skin, not that there is much of that to be seen with long sleeved swim suits and all. I understand why. It amazes me how kids will just come to their moms stand in front of them and allow themselves to be smothered in the stuff, no fussing, no questions, it's their normal.

At one point, around the time that everybody seemed to decide it was lunchtime, including us, I saw something that cracked me up. Three boys around 10 or 11 were sitting by us on the beach in a big round blow up floaty thing eating their sandwiches and generally goofing off. One of their Moms decided to get a picture and while she was focusing in the kid in the middle told the kid next to him that his sandwich was stinky. They all started cutting up and the kid with the stinky sandwich looked confused and took a whiff of his sandwich and said, "What, it's prosciutto??"

I don't know why I thought it was so funny but I'm pretty sure that I never even heard the word prosciutto until I was in my late 20's. Later I saw the prosciutto kid swimming in the lake with a silver swim cap on his head. I didn't see anybody trying to beat him up either.

Oh yes, times have changed.

We stopped for an ice cream at a little store just outside the park gates. They actually had Tiger Stripe ice cream! That's orange with licorice stripes and I probably haven't had it since I was a little kid. Man, it was good.

Some things never change.

What are you grateful for?

Gratitude.
Let's give that a try now. My previous post was all about the angries but I need to balance that out with something positive. I will never forget the day one of my Bffs called and told me she had a cancerous tumour on her cervix. She was newly married and a new Mom and it didn't seem possible. I remember feeling numb. I remember feeling like my life, as I had known it was changed forever. My life? What about her life?
Since that time there has been radiation, misdiagnosis, chemo, and progression, hope, no hope and alternative treatments. This is not the way it was supposed to be. It is supposed to be early detection, treatment, cures and sighs of relief. This journey I am taking with this woman I love and her family that feels like my family is rich and scary and we laugh and we cry.
Yesterday she had surgery and she came through it well and with it brings more hope.
She is brave and she has become more beautiful with every day.
She is fighting for her life.
I truly believe she will Kick Cancer's Ass!
I am lacing up my boots in case she needs a hand.
It helps me put things into perspective.
I am so grateful.

You want a piece of me?

So many feelings today it's hard to sort through them. Woke up in an unpleasant way and was in tears within 10 minutes. Had a big bawl and was comforted by Superman and then he turned around and made it worse. Then I was sad and mad. Fuck!
Bff called and I burst into tears again, told her the whole story and received some comfort. Then we decided to go to Kits Pool and swim some laps and talk things through. It was the right thing to do Bff is also a member of my family and my troubles are coming from my clan so it's just good to be able to talk to someone who knows the history, is a great listener and has good mental health advice for me. Getting exercise at a time like this is also great. Relieves stress and gets my mind somewhere else.
Frustration! I fucking hate being misunderstood and email is so evil sometimes. Things get taken out of context and with the wrong tone and intention far too often. Oh yes and things that are said can not be taken back after the send button is pressed so you better be sure. I had some pretty horrible shit thrust at me last night and I tell you I didn't handle it well. I shoved some right back. Enough already, it's not a fucking contest to see whose feelings are the most hurt. Who wants to win that one? Not me.
I'm angry, surprised, disappointed, flabbergasted, misunderstood, disrespected, discouraged and feeling violated. Did I mention I am pissed off?
This is the second time this year that I have ended up in an email war with someone and let me tell you they only get worse as they progress, not better. I have to take some responsibility for not learning my lesson the first time. Lesson learned. Never again.
Oh and Facebook is the spawn of the devil. A playground for passive aggressive bullshit.
Here's my Facebook status- Barb is...Fuck You!

How'd we meet?

After I moved away from my gay friends and tried an unsuccessful living arrangement with myself in an apartment that cost over half of my monthly pay, before taxes, I made my best move ever. I moved in to a cool, big old house with my cousin, and 2 or 3 of her BFF's that she had grown up with in small town Northern BC. I was about 3 years younger than all of them so they kind of looked after me. I needed to learn some basic adult skills like how to pay my bills and make a full meal out of a can of tuna and a cup of rice. I was as poor as I ever want to be that first summer. In fact I got laid off shortly after I moved in and was quite happy to take the summer off and let the government look after me. It was a fine, fine summer.

Two of my roommates were struggling actors trying to make a go in the big city. They would save all their money for acting classes and audition for anything and everything. This was before Vancouver was considered Hollywood North, I'm going to say 1987-88.

Having fuck all to do that summer, it was decided that I would help these two young actresses write an original show for the Fringe Festival that summer. Even though I had very little acting experience they thought I was funny so I decided to give it a shot. We wrote a pretty funny show that was a series of sketches each morphing into the next. One reviewer called it Gilda Radner-esque. We were pretty happy about that.

The show ran at the very beginning of the festival and I had just discovered the Fringe Club, a place to drink and watch hundreds of actors talk about themselves. Did I mention I was single, 22 and cute? ***********************************************************************

Sorry, I just drifted away there. One of my girlfriends had just started dating this notorious Russian, biker looking, intense, musician, crazy, amazing actor guy. She was a little overwhelmed by him so she took me with her on their first couple of dates. So, I'll set the scene. We are walking up the sidewalk to the Fringe Club and I see this tall, blond drink of water coming towards us, black jeans motorcycle boots and a knee length black leather coat flapping in the breeze. My crazy Russian friend introduces us, I pour on the charm. Nothing. We go into the club, I continue to pour on the charm. Nothing. This guy was paying no attention to me at all.

Through the course of the festival we would shut down the Club and wander off to find house parties in the neighbourhood. Superman lived in a notorious house called The House Of Fun, and it was. This place was close to everything but had no neighbours! It was flanked by a street, a church and across the street from a funeral home. It was the perfect party house. One night a bunch of us piled into a friends car to go party at The House Of Fun, I had to sit on Superman's lap. It was then that I noticed that he was starting to take an interest in me.

We smooched that night/early morning and he tried to get me to go upstairs with him. I told him I wanted to go home, take a shower, sleep for a few hours and I would call him. I did just that. He came to my place, and the rest as they say, is history.

That's the Reader's Digest condensed version.

More later.

OMG I was looking for a pic to post and I found this. It was labeled, "Superman's Greatest Sacrifice"! Woo Hoo, can't stop laughing. Sooo funny.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I'm in need of some excitement in my life these days. Going to work, coming home, making dinner watching movies or just regular TV is nice once in a while but too many days in a row makes me crazy. I don't do well with too much routine, it makes me bored and when I'm bored I get anxious. I get the "is that all there is" feeling and as Jeff Kay would say, "I can't have that".

When I was in my 20's I was already with Superman. I had been in a very bad relationship back home that taught me a lot of hard lessons fast and being in a small town and running into your ex and his new girlfriend everyday was starting to get old. I moved to the big city and tried to make my way. I lived with a high school buddy and his boyfriend in the West End of Vancouver for the first few months. It was fun but after a while buddy's boyfriend was tired of having me around and I realized was never going to meet a nice straight boy in Canada's gay capitol. So I moved to the East Side and the rest is history. How do you describe 20 or so years of your life especially when it takes you from you 20's into your (just barely) 40's. I kind of feel like it might be as interesting as having someone describe the strange dream they just had. Interesting to them but mind numbingly boring to me. I'll try to just stick to the interesting parts. haha

Yah, I'm grasping here. I should have some good stuff after our gig at the Country Fair Friday night. I'll be sure to take lots of pictures.

Stay tuned for exciting stories like, Why no babies? Un-wedded bliss. How close did we get to "making it" with our 90's original, alternative rock band? How to start a business with almost nothing. How do I define success? Do I think my life is interesting? I sure do.

Yup, I suuuuuuuuuure do...

Ummmmmm...

Why don't you tell me what you want to hear about next?